OMG, OMG, you guys!  Jon Snow is alive!!!  And any hint of credibility in the Game of Thrones universe is dead.  It’s official: GOT is bullshit.

Not that the show didn’t already have some issues.  During Season 5 I had to admit something that most viewers are too proud to confess: I didn’t know what was going on about 60% of the time.  The show was great when I knew who was talking and what they were talking about, but life’s too short to devote time to such an unfocused mishmash.  Fans often point out that the books have more characters than the Bible – they say this as though it’s a good thing, but I can’t imagine why it would be.  Or maybe I’m just not smart enough to watch TV; whatever it is, I can’t do it anymore.

But even as a defected fan, I am unable to escape the glorious news that Jon Snow – much like Jesus Christ and ET before him – has been resurrected.  The general consensus is that the revival of Jon Snow is awesome because he’s so dreamy and…well, I’m not really sure why.  The fact is Jon Snow is the lamest and most annoying GOT character (with the possible exception of Bran Stark, who illustrates why any film or television show where a character develops psychic powers immediately becomes less worthwhile; I wish he’d died when he got tossed out that window, but that’s a whole other topic).

Jon Snow is a weepy, boring sad sack.  If Westeros had a straight-edge emo-core band, he wouldn’t be the lead singer.  He wouldn’t even be the bass player.  He’d be a fan who goes to the concert alone and stands in the back bobbing his head, hoping that someone will notice how deep and mysterious he is.  He probably cuts himself.

Even if you’re the biggest Jon Snow fan on the planet, as a plot device his resurrection is a load of crap.  Regardless of how anticipated or popular the resurrection of Jon Snow might be, the show has betrayed the audience’s faith in the show’s integrity.  One of the most intriguing and notable elements of GOT is the show’s willingness to kill off major characters.  The fact that a character can be so notably killed off only to be resurrected a few episodes later wreaks of horse shit.

Fan theories regarding the death and resurrection of Jon Snow posit that he’s special in one way or another – the fact that his death wasn’t final means nothing for the effect of death in the GOT universe in general.  That’s just silly.  If the show’s writers can contrive some hocus-pocus reason for Jon Snow to come back to life, why can’t they do the same for any other dearly departed character the fans want to see again?  Every death that has occurred on the show is now questionable and potentially irrelevant, and that effect is irreversible.  Why not bring back Ned Stark, Robert Baratheon, Joffrey, and Tywin Lannister?  Ok, ok, I know why: it’s because none of them were dreamy.